私​は​死​を​恐​れ​て​い​ま​せ​ん​が​、​あ​な​た​を​恐​れ​て​い​ま​す​​​(​​​I'm not afraid of death but I am terrified of you​​​)

from This Is The End Of My Days​🥀​💙​☄​️ 🌹, I'll Miss You. by Isabella James

/

lyrics

Do you have nights like I have,
Everybody does,
Nights where your world cascades in on itself,
And everyone tells you nothings wrong.

People crawl,
And people bight,
Insect wings lash like rife.

Insects crawl,
And insects bight,
But you were honest,
Less-than-pure like thife.

It wasn't your fault,
These things shouldn't happen to anyone,
Yet they did,
I don't know what to say.

I'm not a poet I'm a defeatist,
A defeatist who knows her wrongs,
A defeatist who feels hopeless,
Without your songs.

People shout,
And people harass,
People can give you heart attacks.

I'm sorry that this happened,
I'm sorry for the cause,
I'm sorry for the problems that this cause performs,

People scare me,
Yet I scare people,
I wish I could leave them.

One day I will lay down,
My ear to the ground,
Embraced by something bigger than myself.

The freezing ice,
The deep blue sky,
The way the stars light up the sky.

And every litte insect,
Out of my control,
They're all so tiny,
They all have a role.

And I will see the roll they have,
I'll see the role that's mine,
I'll function in society,
I won't want to cry.

But I only don't want to that,
For I've been tought It's wrong,
These are negative emotions,
I've been ridding for so long.

What if I embraced them,
As nature embraces me,
Dived head first into the ice cold emotional sea.

She stared at her reflection didn't like what she could see,
She put on her acrylics went out at half three,
In the morning her mind was forming valid reasons to be,
Launching herself into a dangerous situation,

Her heart was breaking her mind was aching and all because every waking,
Moment of her life she never felt right,
Never was a mother never was a wife,
Couldn't smother the feeling that something was wrong.

You don't know my struggles,
You don't know where I've been,
Look inside my mind,
For the horrors I have seen.

You don't know my struggles,
You don't know where I've been,
Look inside my mind,
For the horrors I have seen.

It's a depressing scene,
The troubles she had seen,
How her body never gleemed,
Like the shine of polystyrene.

Fixing her hair in the bathroom,
Three men based on what they presumed,
And based on what she thought she knew,
Beat her making a stab wound.

She cried out for help to the harsh cold night,
She couldn't move her arm to remove the knife,
Another scare this time not by her hand,
All because these people viewed her as a man.

So take this to heart an innocent life was lost that night,
All because of bigotry and dysphoric strife,
So know everytime i get ready to go,
I fear I lose my life.

You don't know my struggles,
You don't know where I've been,
Look inside my mind,
For the horrors I have seen.

You don't know my struggles,
You don't know where I've been,
Look inside my mind,
For the horrors I have seen.

I'm not here,
I don't feel earthly things,
I'm scared of my body,
Maybe that's why I float away.

This is the answer,
To the prayers that I've been saying,
This is the answer,
To the questions I have,

I'm not feeling this,
I don't feel stomach pains,
I don't feel the lump on my throat,
Maybe that's why I'm not okay.

This is the answer,
To the prayers that I've been saying,
This is the answer,
To the questions I have,

I'm not myself,
I don't feel I'm who you say I am,
I don't know who I am anymore,
Except that I am you.

A boat on a stream,
Covered in white flies,
A stream of blood,
A stream of lies.

This is the answer,
To the prayers that I've been saying,
This is the answer,
To the questions I have.

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Isabella James Leeds, UK

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