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Detransitioning Comes For Us All When We Die

by Isabella James

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1.
I feel so pathetic when I feel sad, What have I done do earn it, I still unreasonably beg for death, The ache of modernism. Detransitioning comes for us all in the end, My hips weren't made for me, My skull wasn't made for me, I wasn't made for me. I can't help but see it, Visualise the pain I feel, Visualise you lying there, Barely corporeal. I hate you but I miss you, I miss myself, I should've died, I'm sorry you had to watch me fail. I've tried three more times after that, But I guess you wouldn't know, You wouldn't realise, I reject nature. I can't help but see it, Visualise the pain I feel, Visualise you lying there, Barely corporeal. I'm fucking twisted I'm mangled, There's no fiction to see here, I am broken beyond repair, But that's not your fault. I killed jesus, And I'll kill you too, Cancer has eaten me, And it will eat you too. I'm the suicidal American dream, Eating myself from the inside, Eating myself from the inside, A rat in a bowl. I killed jesus, And he said thank you, I killed jesus, And he said thank you. I am a plague upon myself, I am my own demise, I resent myself with a painful blade, I rebuke the way I'll die. I am a coward, I haven't killed myself yet, Sooner or later it will happen, You won't know me if I'm dead. I'm the suicidal American dream, Eating myself from the inside, Eating myself from the inside, A rat in a bowl.
2.
I fear death above all else, Because if heaven is where people go, It's no different to here, I eschew not only the present, But the eternal. Make a Martyr out of me, If I can't be your daughter I'll bitterly be your path to fame, I fucking hated you I always did, You'll get some use out of me when I'm dead. Wrap my body in basil leaves, Cover my breasts with silk, I'm not ashamed anymore, I'm too anhedonic to be ashamed. Someday I will fly. I will give myself wings. With music. And pills. I am a rose, Germinated by a hand I can't discern, Left to wither, Left to die.

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released February 9, 2021

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Isabella James Leeds, UK

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