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Nietzsche. Where is the why?

by Isabella James

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cecilyrenns
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cecilyrenns Isabella James has solidified herself as an absolute icon and an inspiration on "Nietzche". a life-changing experience, and a powerful statement all around Favorite track: Fear..
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1.
2.
Longing. 02:51
I thought I could live my life with my eyes closed, Ignore all of my problems as they came, Simply shrug off my dysphoria and my family, Until I achieved my fame.
3.
Paranoia. 07:26
I'm a dead man walking, I can feel my skin falling off, No one will ever love me, That's what you said. No one will ever want me, That's what you said, I'm a monster I'm a halfling, I'm better off dead. Wherever people go when they die, That's what I feel when I'm awake, Maybe that's a sign that I'm not supposed to be fake. I can see death pointing his finger at me, My time is running out, I won't have too feel this anymore, That's what I've figured out. I'll use a rope or a knife, Or pills, I'll leave a lasting impact, I'll have the time of my life. Wherever people go when they die, That's what I feel when I'm awake, Maybe that's a sign that I'm not supposed to be fake. In the crevaces that you find, In the darkest parts of humankind, That's where you'll find me, That's where you'll find her. I can tell by your eyes you gave up on me, You say you didn't but I can tell, I've always been afraid of abandonment, I guess that's why I'm afraid of you. Both of you with your niceties, And your judgemental glances, It's only partially your fault, But with the devil I am dancing. Wherever people go when they die, That's what I feel when I'm awake, Maybe that's a sign that I'm not supposed to be fake.
4.
Hunger. 04:14
I don't love But I hunger, I don't touch But I feel. Deep insatiable hunger, For something better than this. My heart is bared open, I'm trying to be healed, My valves have stopped, I don't touch but I feel. Your fingers scare people, Your arms are tools, Of murder. Your voice grates your throat, Your mind is a weapon and it, Hurt her. It never gets better, It never gets better, It just gets worse. It never gets better, It never gets better, It just gets worse. I fantasise about my death so often, I don't know how to live, Is this how people think and act, I don't know but I should. This might be my last day, This might be my last word, You'll never hear me again, It's better like this trust me. You'll never hate me how you do again, You'll never hate me how you do again, You'll never hate me how you do again, You'll never hate me how you do again, You'll never hate me how you do again, You'll never hate me how you do again, You'll never hate me how you do again, You'll never hate me how you do again, It never gets better, It never gets better, It just gets worse. It never gets better, It never gets better, It just gets worse.
5.
Weakness. 02:43
I was fifteen when you found about me, Well I'm older now, The scars still linger but I'm willing to recover, A resemblance of the love we had. I was fifteen when you stripped me of my freedom, But I'm freer now, It's a simpler time now that I'm away from you, The clocks don't move. I'm older than I ever was though that's true of any day, You said you would accept me even if I was gay, And that's not quite the truth you don't understand and that's okay, Just let me tell you this and then I'll go away. I'm older than I ever was though that's true of any day, You said you would accept me even if I was gay, And that's not quite the truth you don't understand and that's okay, Just let me tell you this and then I'll go away.
6.
Fear. 02:46
I don't want to be a burden but I haven't got a clue, I wouldn't have any friends if it weren't for you, I know you don't have the answers but what should I do, Only an hour away from being a note in a shoe. I'm afraid of my own body I hate the way I scar, Like a wound around a knife stabbed straight into my heart, I feel nothing I'm completely numb, I thought I could lie I feel so dumb. I feel like we drift apart, I have nowhere to go, I'm rapidly losing my mind, The scars are all I have to show. I'm afraid of my own body I hate the way I scar, Like a wound around a knife stabbed straight into my heart, I feel nothing I'm completely numb, I thought I could lie I feel so dumb.
7.
Love. 04:18
8.
Wonder. 03:01
My intrusive thoughts edge me closer to death, But to live a life without them I'd have nothing left. I'm a hopeless transexual I hope you realise, I can't even find love in my own eyes. I just want to have a stable mental state, All I want to do is feel anything again, Aside from my own suicidal dread, I just want my dysphoria to end. But that's not gonna happen, No that's not going to happen, That's not going to happen, Any time soon. [Instrumental] I just want to have a stable mental state, All I want to do is feel anything again, Aside from my own suicidal dread, I just want my dysphoria to end.
9.
Disgust. 05:45
10.
Ego Death. 02:58
I know what it's like to die. I've been inches away from it myself. It's nothing poetic or freeing like the youtube philosophers would have you think. I started losing blood and quickly and I'd never seen anything like it. It was thick, almost solid, yet somehow it stained the floor. My whole mouth tasted almost like a cheap vanilla milkshake and my breathing was heavy and dificult to swallow like a pill. One thing that people say that is true is the whole light at the end of the tunnel shtick. But it was almost like I'd gone light headed and all the colours or whatever I could see melded into one white light. You forget everything when you're dying. If you try to remember how you got into the situation you can't. You try to think of anything you can't you just have no choice but to experience it all. Your life doesn't flash before your eyes but your regrets do. You get very cold. The last thing to go is your hearing and I could hear screaming around me, i could hear an inquisitive child, I could hear my own moans and attempts at speach and I could hear my mother but I can't describe how she sounded. I'm never going to kill myself. I have suicidal ideation and I've been close. But rest assured I'm never going to kill myself. I never wanna feel the things I felt again.
11.
Sorrow. 06:13
12.
So you finally told her, Or at least that's what you told me, You told them of your feelings, If I were you I'd feel free. But that's not what you told me, When you knocked on the door, You had tears streaming down your face, Oh and whats more you had. Bloodshot eyes with a frightened gaze, Forgot about the friends you made, You slept on my bed that night, And I told you this as I held you tight. They're wrong and you're right, I'm sorry they can't see that, You'll survive this they can't break you, Look at how strong I have made you. And I don't know what else to say, Except I lost a friend that day. You must be 21 now It's been so long without you, I wish I could say I've been doing well, I'm currently in a psych ward, My lifes a living hell. I don't know if this letter will find you, In reasonable time, They still watch me I can't see you, But I still love you are you mine and I remembered your, Bloodshot eyes with a frightened gaze, Forgot about the friends you made, You slept on my bed that night, And I told you this as I held you tight. They're wrong and you're right, I'm sorry they can't see that, You'll survive this they can't break you, Look at how strong I have made you. And I don't know what else to say, Except I lost a friend that day. And I don't know what else to say, Except I lost a friend that day.
13.
Fireworks child. I don't wanna wake up when I sleep tonight, I don't want to feel myself die, I don't want to fear myself anymore, I don't want to feel myself die. I'm catatonic, I'm paralytic, I'm schizoprenicly numb. I'm stuck inside it, I'm calling friends in, To tell them that I'm done. I say I don't feel anything, I feel things I feel pain, I feel discomfort in my gender, I feel myself losing my brain. I say I don't wanna feel death, But what do I want to feel, Feel myself in the way that hurts, Feel myself feel real. I'm catatonic, I'm paralytic, I'm schizoprenicly numb. I'm stuck inside it, I'm calling friends in, To tell them that I'm done. I'll break your heart, Like I broke my bones, I'll break your heart, Like a broken home. I'm catatonic, I'm paralytic, I'm schizoprenicly numb. I'm stuck inside it, I'm calling friends in, To tell them that I'm done.
14.
I'm only happy when I sleep because I want things when I'm awake, I want death and if I can't have it I want a body my sex appreciates. I am sisyphus if sisyphus lived inside his stone, If sisyphus were venus and his stone was Minos. Lullabys are a soft goodbye to the world that I'm used to, A snowy emancipation of my sweet dames Debut, A mountain top of a flowery frock on which my comfort depends, A pencil skirt and maternal hurt on which my despondency comes to an end. My disorder is an ivy It wraps around my head, An embrace providing fake succour, A pugnacious stockholm driven friend. 28 angels watch over me, Painted black white pink and blue, A storm ran over thailand today, Maybe amsterdam too. Lullabys are a soft goodbye to the world that I'm used to, A snowy emancipation of my sweet dames Debut, A mountain top of a flowery frock on which my comfort depends, A pencil skirt and maternal hurt on which my despondency comes to an end. I miss the feeling of how it felt before, Before my confident bohemia was an aesthestic bore, I miss my friends I miss my robustness, I miss when life wasn't such a chore. Lullabys are a soft goodbye to the world that I'm used to, A snowy emancipation of my sweet dames Debut, A mountain top of a flowery frock on which my comfort depends, A pencil skirt and maternal hurt on which my despondency comes to an end.

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released September 4, 2020

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Isabella James Leeds, UK

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